Saturday, 13 February 2016

Grim fairy tales from the Nationalists

We usually switch off the party political broadcasts. Nicola Sturgeon always sounds aggrieved, Kezia Dugdale sounds like a wee schoolgirl and Ruth Davidson, as ever, sounds sensible, intelligent and calm - which is unfortunate if, like me, you would rather chop your hands off than vote Conservative. So we watch Ruth Davidson for the sheer pleasure of it and put the kettle on when the others come on.

There was too much of a media flurry about the most recent SNP broadcast, however, for us to ignore it. A Tale of Two Cities, it was called, the two cities being London and Edinburgh - or Mordor and the Kingdom of Heaven, as the balanced and reasonable voiceover implied.

For some bizarre reason, the footage of London was shot at nighttime and in the rain, for, as you know, the congruence of such an hour with such dismal climatic conditions never occurs in Scotland. The wonderfully vibrant and exciting cosmopolitan city of London was reduced to dark shadows through which scurried its downtrodden troglodyte population.

The Scottish capital, on the other hand, was all softly-pink dawning sunlight, a glorious vision made more piquant by the fact that as we watched the broadcast, Edinburgh rain battered against the glass, penetrated our bathroom ceiling and provided a deafening accompaniment to the vision of our slates as they sailed gaily past our windows and smashed to the ground.

The Scottish Parliament, intoned the Caledonian prophet, was 'modern' and 'progressive' and served a 'nation full of hope, expectation and aspiration' (and with a nationalist government, one might add, which has demonstrated no intention whatsoever of using its powers to serve the poor credulous hobbits which voted for it). The cameras panned across the sunlit fields of Rivendell, the song of Galadriel high and ethereal.

Westminster, on the other hand, is 'an antiquated institution, outdated and out of touch with the people it claims to represent'.

The said Caledonian prophet has clearly never observed the splendidly multi-coloured knickerbockers, Ruritanian coats-of-arms and elaborately decorated staffs-of-office on parade in the High Kirk of Edinburgh when the city's eminent lawyers, self-important political representatives and nonagenarian Knights of the Thistle gather at the start of the Parliamentary session.  'Antiquated'? We'll show you antiquated!

And before you jump up and shout, 'But the SNP government would never take part in such an occasion!', it did, in the person of the Deputy First Minister John Swinney, who gave a solemn reading of the Gospel for the day.

One does wonder what the nationalist MPs are doing down in Westminster, among the denizens of Sauron, serving in a Parliament they don't believe in. Have they really gone over to the forces of darkness, enslaved by the glittering Ring, the theatres and restaurants and limitless subsidised drink? Or are they all operating undercover, their natural nobility scarcely concealed by their foul and loathsome orc personae?

But back to our party political broadcast.

Arathorn, High King of Gondor called her people around her. She was, she declaimed, 'First Minister for all of Scotland, regardless of your politics or point of view'. She would weave straw into gold for her people, climb every mountain and ford every stream.

And if you were not already persuaded, there on the video was Baggins Black.

Remember her, the twenty-year-old whose maiden speech mourned the fact that she 'did not leave the Labour Party, Labour left me'? Thus shamelessly attesting to the 'fact' that in order to have been 'left' by the age of six and a half, she would have had to have joined the party in her nappies?

Baggins' portentous words echoed across the Shire. We have, she said, 'one of the most uncaring, uncompromising governments ... since Thatcher.'

From their vantage point on Mount Doom, the cameras swung across the skyline, the Dark Towers of London ominous against the lowering clouds. Ragnarok is upon us, the Day of Reckoning. We must 'stand united against them'.

Yes, we, the people of Scotland, the knights of Arathron, the Riders of Rohan, the fair people of Gondor, the sons of Elrond, the Elves and the Dwarfs, we must all stand against 'them'.

Them? The Nine Riders, the Nazgul and their Master the Dark Lord, of course. (Keep up, for goodness sake!)

And who are 'they'? (Have you not been following?)

Ah, London politicians and all those southern metropolitan goblins who for many years now have been misguided enough to consistently vote Labour. All those people who think they live in England when actually they live in Mordor.

Remember, they are 'them' and we are 'us'.

I wonder how we would feel if the English produced films like this denigrating Scotland?

No, nationalist propaganda doesn't get much crasser than this.

A Tale of Two Cities (SNP video)

A tale of two cities, (Herald Scotland 13 February 2016)

SNP release new party political broadcast... cue instant Twitter storm (Press and Journal 15 October 2015)

Torcuil Crichton: It's no surprise John Swinney wants to keep close to London with the riches that flow from the 'dynamo' of the UK economy (Daily Record 12 February 2016)

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